The Loneliness Epidemic

Loneliness is when we’re disappointed in our relationships, and that can be because we’ve lost somebody specific or we don’t have somebody in a specific role. It can be because we don’t have enough friends, or because we’re disappointed in the friends or close relationships we have.

So it has very little to do with being alone or being talked to. The strongest connection that I found between loneliness and any factor was between loneliness and insecurity.

I think churches are in a particularly good position to deal with insecurity. If you are a church leader and you’re looking at your church, if you can have a picture of the relationships in it—see who’s connected to all kinds of people, who’s important to others, and who reciprocates that—and then notice who has one or two friends, who just knows the pastor, or who comes late and leaves early… that can make a difference.

Many people who are lonely are embarrassed about it. There’s no shame in it, and we know that because the Bible has many examples of people who experienced deep loneliness. The good news is, churches already have some built-in practices that are very good for combating loneliness. Believe it or not, singing together and saying things out loud together have been shown to build a sense of solidarity.

I would also say there are some things we can do to foster high-quality relationships—such as meeting in person and helping people make friends. Programs aren’t going to do that, and apps aren’t going to do that, but they’re not the worst jumping-off point. If you think the church is meant to address poverty in its community and so you’re having clothing drives or filling backpacks for kids, just make sure that as you’re doing that, the people who are involved and serving in that way also get to spend time together as a team.

In general, people in life transitions are more likely to be lonely. That includes new graduates, adults who are just married, people with new babies, people with new jobs, and people entering your church. If the church doesn’t make an intentional effort around loneliness, what you’ll see is that you won’t keep the people who are coming now, and you won’t bring in new people.

As we think about the stakes of loneliness, we need to think about the physical problems people are going through, the social problems we’re experiencing, and the problem of the church losing people we want to know Christ, be incorporated into the body, and serve each other.

When the church does well with this, it becomes a magnet. People who are on the outside come in. You also see the pressure lifted from the pastor. Churches can explicitly teach these skills, but at the end of the day, it’s about love. When you have a church full of friendships, you have people cooperating and serving together and using their gifts in a really useful way.

It is contagious—loneliness is contagious, but “un-loneliness” can be contagious too.

As a military spouse, I missed a lot of those very lonely early days as a young adult because I was not a young adult when I married into the military. But the fact is, it’s a lonely lifestyle, and to some extent we need to make our peace with that.

One factor all of us share is that our spouses are gone for long periods of time, sometimes unpredictably, and we have to work through that—helping our children work through it as well. Some studies have found that mothers with children have a higher rate of loneliness than even young adults fresh out of college. But when you’re a military spouse with kids, you might feel especially isolated.

A few things I’ve found to be very helpful: say yes to people when they invite you. This is a skill set that a lot of people in the military have—very quickly inviting people to things, making friends, and thinking in terms of not having a long lead-up to whether you like somebody, but instead having a short ramp to inviting them over and interacting regularly. Act like your friends before you’re friends.

A lot of my closest friends are on the other side of the world right now. They might not be in two years, and I might not be in two years. But we leave voice messages, which are much better than text messages for hearing somebody’s voice and what they’re going through.

Hold on to people. If your only important relationship—your only confidant—is your spouse, and he or she is deployed, you’re going to be really lonely. But if you’re in contact with cousins, siblings, or friends from high school or college, those relationships will help you weather the ups and downs of not having your people around you.